5 Reasons You Must Stop Asking People When They Are Going to Have Kids
I can’t believe I even have to write this but it’s something that’s been weighing on my mind for a while. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and have worked together for most of that time, which in my mind is a pretty big feat. The fact that we’ve managed to grow our seven-figure business (50/50 partnership) and become digital nomads who spend 23 hours a day together, without having killed the other person, is a win in my book. Given all this, it blows my mind how so many people are more concerned with when we plan to grow our family. Even if you’re asking from a well-intentioned place, it’s incredibly rude and insensitive for so many reasons and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Here are a few reasons it’s just not okay to ask people when they are going to have kids.
It’s none of your business.
Even if you are a wanna-be grandparent or a well-meaning aunt, no one owes you a grandchild, god son/daughter, or nephew/niece.
You don’t know what the person is going through
You have no idea if the person/couple is struggling with infertility, grieving a miscarriage, or dealing with health issues. You don’t know who is under a lot of stress, having relationship issues or the timing is right. You don’t know if people are still working on climbing the corporate ladder, focused on growing a business, or working on saving up (fun fact: childbirth in the US costs over $10,000 and that’s without complications). You don’t know who is on the fence about having kids (or more kids). You don’t know who has decided it’s not for them now or maybe ever. And to be honest, no one owes you an explanation of which bucket they fall into.
You could cause grief and stress
Related to point #2, your question will most likely cause grief, pain, stress and frustration. Many people want to get married but haven’t found the perfect partner. Many people want to have kids but are just not ready or able to at the drop of a hat. Society already puts so much pressure on people to follow a certain path at a certain time so please keep your thoughts to yourself. If you really care, maybe say a silent prayer for the person you are thinking about.
There’s nothing you know that they don’t
Some people think that others need a reminder of their ticking ‘clock.’ Most people have access to their doctor, therapist or reliable sites via Google to have a firm understanding of biology.
There’s no good answer to this question
When you ask this question, what answer are you actually hoping for? The only satisfactory answer is ‘Yes, I’m pregnant right now.’ Most people don’t share pregnancy news until their second trimester so you could be putting in them in a really awkward situation where they would have to lie to you, even if they were pregnant. If someone wants to share news with you, they will when they want to. Until then, don’t broach the subject unless they do. Having a child or getting married is not like picking out furniture or buying a car. When and if life-changing things happen can depend on many different things (choice, timing, luck, etc.).
So before you ask a married couple who has seemingly been together forever, or ask the parents of an only child when a little brother or sister is in the works, or a single 30-something when they plan on getting married or having kids because the clock is ticking, step into your time capsule and bring yourself into the ‘shitshow’ of a year called 2020.